Dear Ex-Wife
Your immaturity and stupidness defies explanation. I try to keep my chin up and try to be “adult” and “supportive” and “not step on toes”, but I am fed up. Please note that you were the one that cheated on your husband, and had a baby with someone else. He (now your ex, my fiance) has moved on, and tries to keep you in the kids lives as much as possible. We are all adults. Please move on. I would be happy if we could just be ‘cordial’ and call it a day without the snide and inappropriate remarks. However, I understand that is not going to be possible without some actual effort on your part. As such, Ex-wife, please be mindful of the following:
-Do not bang on the front door, and ring the doorbell insistently at 9am on a Saturday asking about some stupid deposit. That is what a phone is for.
-Do not drop by unannounced as we may already have plans. I always end up being the one to completely change my schedule around to accommodate yours when you just happen to decide you want to spend time with the kids. That is what a phone is for.
-Do not text/ call me and my fiance over and over (simutaneously) between our cell phones and house phones until someone answers unless it is an emergency. If we didn’t answer- we’re probably busy. Leave a message and we’ll call you back. PS- calling to tell me that the kids hate me does not count as an emergency. PSS- Calling to find out if a deposit was dropped at a venue for your daughter’s birthday also does not count as an emergency.
-Do not call me to bitch about the kid’s father, and how much they hate me, and think I will keep it to myself. I tell my fiance everything. O yea, they hate you sometimes too. If fact, it baffles me with some of the things they say about you.
-Try spending time with your kids more consistantly. Two hours here and there when you see fit does not count. Also, why dont you try taking them all instead of breaking them up when you take them out.
-Do not make your children feel bad for hugging me, or hanging out with me.
-Do not gossip about me in front of your kids. They do not really care what you think of my hair, my new handbag or how much my shoes cost. PS – news flash, they struggle with keeping secrets – and repeat what you say.
-Do not throw guilt trips on your kids and your ex-husband about your living conditions. Get off your ass, and do something about it. No one is going to give you hand outs. We already do enough for you.
-Do not request that my fiance change your oil, fix your air conditioning, find you a new mechanic, do your taxes, and the 100 other requests that you ask for. He is not your husband anymore. Ask one of your boyfriends.
-Do not get flustered when I am next to my fiance. Seriously, it’s okay – we are engaged. Everyone know that you guys are divorced. Many of them have blended families as well, and none appear too stress about it.
-Do not preach the bible to your children when you only tell them the parts that benefit you. Telling them that a divorce is just a piece of paper, and that you and their father are still technically married just jacks with their head even more. Telling them that they will not grow up and live long enough to have children or see their grandchildren because the world is going to end will also jack with their head. PS- Try going to church some time….you might learn something new.
-Do not call my fiance to complain about the difficulties you are having with, what’s the term - your new lover/affair person/boy toy, or your current dating escapades. He does not want to hear about it.
-I understand that you are not always happy to see me, and feel the same way about you. Regardless, please endeavor to just smile, wave, say hi, or engage in some form of non-hostile greeting when circumstances dictate we must be in the same room. Please, just be fake if it’s the only way you can manage civility.
-We love your daughter, however, my fiance is not the father of your baby. Do not throw full responsibility of her on him. We do what we can to help you out with her. Try saying thank you once in awhile since we're the one that provides clothes, baby formula, and diapers for her because you cant afford it instead of assuming its the least he can do for you.
Thanks for even considering the possibility of stepping out of the spotlight for a moment in order for the focus to be on kids, where it should be.
Cordially yours,
Soon to be Wife
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
They hate me
So Ursula texts me the other day to ask that I call her when I get a minute. Typically, her phone calls arent of the pleasant kind, rather the kind that makes me wish she were somewhere on a remote island far far away from cell phone reception.
So I check the calander, and she is right on schedule. The months usually alternate...one peaceful BM-free month, and then here she comes stirring the pot of drama.
She proceeds to tell me how much the kids hate me (the only reason she calls me, really), and how much they wish they were living elsewhere. She also tells me that the kids feel that they cant go to their father about their feelings- so they go (bitch) to their mother, in which she feels she has to carry the weight alone.
My reply to her was, "what is it that you want me to do about it, and what is the point of this conversation?" You see...short of me leaving J, and moving out- it would seem that nothing would make them happy. And since Im not going to do either.... I guess they are SOL.
She also tells me that sd1 and sd2 are scheming and planning on moving out. That they want Ursula to get a small apartment, that the girls would be home schooled so that they can get jobs (yea, at 14 & 15 they will get very far with that), and would live happily ever after. She seemed appauled that they even started doing research on it. I told her that there isnt anything that those two (teenage) girls are thinking about, scheming about, or doing that any teenage girl that age doesnt think about doing at one point or another. She seemed to disagree, and that she never thought about leaving her parents. (I guess I should have taken that time to tell her that I knew she ran away twice as a teenager..lol). I also tell her that behavior of typical divorced children will be similar to what they are going through now. Its transitional, and it takes time. Nothing solves itself tomorrow, and they will probably have problems with me for a long time since all they want is mom and dad to be together.
The thing that bugs me the most is- they dont act like they hate me, and they always intiate any interactions with me on their own. Ive tried giving them all space, and do my own thing. I dont ask them to hang out with me, I dont go into their rooms and have chats, nor do I try to take on the motherly role. It seems to work for the most part because it enables them to come to me on their own terms, and their own time.
**Did I mention that shes on speaker phone the entire time with J sitting next to me...LOL**
As I hung up the phone, I started feeling discouraged and doubtful. A typical feeling I get after a phone call like this. It wasnt until I was sitting in my brother's room tinkering around on the computer when ss4 comes in, and sits on the bed. We started chatting a bit, and I asked him if he needed anything. He shakes his head, and says, "No, I just wanted to hang out". (I am smiling on the inside.) He wants to hang out with me....cos he hates me soOoo much!
The next morning, both boys come back in, and sits on my brother's bed. Again, I ask if they needed anything. "No, just hanging out". Again, cos he hates me soOoo much!
I also find out over lunch that Ursula sets them up, and tries to train them to hate me. ss3 says something to the effect on ss4 hugging on me every so often, and how he told Ursula that ss4 hugs me alot. She threw a hissy fit, and says, "you know the rules.." I simply told him that there is nothing wrong with him hugging me. I said that I think they are cool, and I like hanging out with them. He replies, "I know...thats her problem."
Its funny what the kids will say if you just let them talk. Its pretty sad to think that she really does this, but I never say anything. She will use it against the kids and make them feel bad. Shes done it before...and its really uneccessary.
The girls, no doubt, are a little more obvious on their alliance to their mother. Naturally so- but its gotten to the point where they dont even leave their room, and if they do, its only beacuse Im not in whatever room they want to be in.
**sigh**.... patience. Take it one day at a time.
So I check the calander, and she is right on schedule. The months usually alternate...one peaceful BM-free month, and then here she comes stirring the pot of drama.
She proceeds to tell me how much the kids hate me (the only reason she calls me, really), and how much they wish they were living elsewhere. She also tells me that the kids feel that they cant go to their father about their feelings- so they go (bitch) to their mother, in which she feels she has to carry the weight alone.
My reply to her was, "what is it that you want me to do about it, and what is the point of this conversation?" You see...short of me leaving J, and moving out- it would seem that nothing would make them happy. And since Im not going to do either.... I guess they are SOL.
She also tells me that sd1 and sd2 are scheming and planning on moving out. That they want Ursula to get a small apartment, that the girls would be home schooled so that they can get jobs (yea, at 14 & 15 they will get very far with that), and would live happily ever after. She seemed appauled that they even started doing research on it. I told her that there isnt anything that those two (teenage) girls are thinking about, scheming about, or doing that any teenage girl that age doesnt think about doing at one point or another. She seemed to disagree, and that she never thought about leaving her parents. (I guess I should have taken that time to tell her that I knew she ran away twice as a teenager..lol). I also tell her that behavior of typical divorced children will be similar to what they are going through now. Its transitional, and it takes time. Nothing solves itself tomorrow, and they will probably have problems with me for a long time since all they want is mom and dad to be together.
The thing that bugs me the most is- they dont act like they hate me, and they always intiate any interactions with me on their own. Ive tried giving them all space, and do my own thing. I dont ask them to hang out with me, I dont go into their rooms and have chats, nor do I try to take on the motherly role. It seems to work for the most part because it enables them to come to me on their own terms, and their own time.
**Did I mention that shes on speaker phone the entire time with J sitting next to me...LOL**
As I hung up the phone, I started feeling discouraged and doubtful. A typical feeling I get after a phone call like this. It wasnt until I was sitting in my brother's room tinkering around on the computer when ss4 comes in, and sits on the bed. We started chatting a bit, and I asked him if he needed anything. He shakes his head, and says, "No, I just wanted to hang out". (I am smiling on the inside.) He wants to hang out with me....cos he hates me soOoo much!
The next morning, both boys come back in, and sits on my brother's bed. Again, I ask if they needed anything. "No, just hanging out". Again, cos he hates me soOoo much!
I also find out over lunch that Ursula sets them up, and tries to train them to hate me. ss3 says something to the effect on ss4 hugging on me every so often, and how he told Ursula that ss4 hugs me alot. She threw a hissy fit, and says, "you know the rules.." I simply told him that there is nothing wrong with him hugging me. I said that I think they are cool, and I like hanging out with them. He replies, "I know...thats her problem."
Its funny what the kids will say if you just let them talk. Its pretty sad to think that she really does this, but I never say anything. She will use it against the kids and make them feel bad. Shes done it before...and its really uneccessary.
The girls, no doubt, are a little more obvious on their alliance to their mother. Naturally so- but its gotten to the point where they dont even leave their room, and if they do, its only beacuse Im not in whatever room they want to be in.
**sigh**.... patience. Take it one day at a time.
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